Hate Myself Because I Love You
by Matty1
Summary: Holly hates herself for what she allows him to do to her but she can't seem to make herself make him stop. She loves him and he claims to love her so is it really worth it.


She laid with her head on his chest

She lay with her head on his chest and stared out the window. He ran his fingers through her long hair. It was times like this she could convince herself that everything was perfect and, as it should be. She closed her eyes and willed all the bad thoughts away. Under her ear his heart thudded steadily. His cell phone going off broke the comfortable silence. He sighed and sat up. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and replied to the text. He got up and grabbed his clothes.

"I gotta go." He said as he pulled his shirt on.

She stared at his retreating back as he walked towards the door.

"Don't, please." She pleaded.

He opened the door. He carefully avoided her gaze. He could hear the tears in her voice and hated himself for it.

"You know I have to, Holly." He said gripping the knob.

He heard her sharp intake of breath and hung his head.

"I can't do this anymore." She whispered.

He could hear the tears in her voice and knew that she was fighting back the tears. He just shrugged and shut the door; after all it wasn't his problem. She willed the pain and tears away but like always they welled up and spilled over. She gripped the pillow he had laid on only moments before and curled up with it.

She hated the way he used her. She felt dirty, ashamed, and used. The worse part was she let him do it. Every time she promised herself it would never happen again and inevitably it would. She wasn't strong enough to stop it. It's no one's fault but your own, she told herself bitterly. She sighed. She knew what was happening was wrong and that he was never going to leaver her for herself but something about him made her weak and stupid. She was a strong independent woman who didn't need a man that was until he came along.

Now he was her addiction. It wasn't just about the sex although that was amazing he made her feel special when they were together. He didn't baby her too much though; he called her on her shit. When she first met him she knew exactly what he was and had been warned about him by various people, especially John and Ken. She had ignored him for the most part and brushed off his attempts to flirt and charm her. After a few months he came up to her one day.

"Hey Holly." He said appearing out of nowhere.

"Yes, Randy?" She asked impatiently.

He raised his hands defensively.

"Whoa I see we're more feisty than usual today." He said smirking.

She rolled her eyes at him.

"Look I don't have time for the usual routine today so let's cut to the chase. No I won't sleep with you, no I don't want to go out and then sleep with you." She said.

He shook his head at her.

"Actually I have come to apologize to you. I've been an ass to you the last few months. I know you won't take me up on it because you'll see it as an ulterior motive but I'd like to take you out for drinks to say I'm sorry." He said. "You're right, I won't take you up on it." She said.

"I knew you'd say that so…" He shrugged.

"I won't be bugging you anymore. It is wrong of me to do so I should have listened to you the first time and left you alone but to be honest it kind of bruised my pride." He said shrugging again.

She studied him.

"Okay." She said.

"I'll let you get back to work then." He said and walked away.

Over the next weeks he had stayed true to his word and for the most part left her alone. When he did run into her he treated her with utmost respect and a very friendly manner. Looking back she could see that he had just switched tactics. He had gotten her to trust him and like him and then bam, like every other girl he set his sights on she ended up in his bed. There was just one thing different with her. He had gotten too involved. He claimed he had fallen in love with her. She didn't think that was the truth though. She didn't know what to think anymore. She was just too tired to think rationally. She was exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. Every night she would tell herself that it was over and things would be different in the morning. That she would be her old strong self and start a new chapter of her life.

Then morning would come and her conviction would still be strong but through the course of the day it would waver and wear thin from his charming smiles and knowing smirks. He could make his voice low and sexily husky. What appeared to be casual touches were actually secret promises of more. His gaze would linger on her and he would let her see the emotions swim in his deep blue eyes. Then he would pull out the big guns in the evening. He would get more bold and seductive. Lingering no longer so casual touches, long intense looks that would all but make her melt filled with promises and longing. By the end of the night she would be done in for and willingly if not eagerly go with him. Then he would leave. He would never, ever no matter what stay the night with her. It was a viscous cycle that she endured.

She was so sick of feeling sorry for herself and wanted to stop the reason she did but she didn't know if she was still strong enough to do that anymore. She closed her eyes as she allowed her thoughts to travel that path. It scared her more than anything else could. She had let him completely change her into something she had always told herself that she would never be. She was now the pathetic other woman, who went back for the scraps of affection he threw at her. She shook her head as if to get rid of the thoughts and closed her eyes, desperate for sleep. It didn't take long for sleep to claim her and stop her racing mind for the remainder of the night.

She woke up the next morning and swore at the alarm clock as she hit snooze. Running on 4 hours or less sleep a night was slowly killing her. She buried her face in her pillow and drifted back to sleep for a precious ten minutes. She got up and stretched after the alarm went off again. In her opinion 10 minutes of sleep could make or break a day, every one thought she was crazy but she could be the crabbiest bitch in the world when the alarm first went off and after hitting snooze and sleeping the extra ten minutes she was ready to go. She got ready and grabbed her stuff and left. Holly was the head of production for the RAW brand of the WWE. She was also a shoe in PA for a few of the guys. Not because she had to be but because they were worse then little kids when it came to time management and responsibility.

Before she stepped in Ken flew all the way to Arizona for a signing when it was actually in Alabama. She had to make a deal with Sun Country that the WWE would use them exclusively for the next year if Ken could get a seat on the already overbooked flight to Alabama. She had found out John would just drop off his dirty laundry at home and buy new clothes or beg, plead, and bribe any one to do his laundry for him. Now John actually knew how to do his own laundry which he did all by himself on his days off and had a huge wardrobe. She wouldn't even get started on Cody. She just started saying he had to be somewhere at least an hour earlier then he actually had to be there and made him pack his wrestling gear on his carry on because for some reason his luggage always got lost. Actually she felt more like a mom than a personal assistant but Ken, John, and Cody were her friends and looked out for her.

"Holly!" Cody yelled jogging up to her.

She stopped and waited for her.

"Hey, honey." She said.

He rolled his eyes.

"Can I catch a ride with you? John and Ken left me here." He said.

"Come on, kid." She said.

"We're the same age why do you insist on calling my kid?" He whined.

"I am older than you for one and you are so cute I can't help it." She said.

"That makes no sense. I am not boyish looking. I look like a grown man." He insisted. "If you say so Codster." She said.

"Did you check out yet?" He asked.

"Nope, you?" She asked.

"No want me to check you out?" He asked grinning.

"Like you haven't been since the day I started here." She said giggling.

"I'm a red blooded American male and I like what I see." He said.

"John or Ken heard you say that they'd kick your ass." She warned playfully.

"They aren't here." He said. She pushed him away from her and laughed.

"Go on I'll just sit here and look pretty." She joked.

Cody grinned wolfishly and winked at her and walked away. She shook her head at him and laughed. "

Pot calling the kettle black?" Randy said appearing besides her.

She sighed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked.

"You always bitch about me flirting with other women yet you flirt all the time with John, Ken, and Cody. Hell you flirt with half the fucking roster." He said.

"One I'm not engaged about to be married I can fucking flirt if I want too, two why does it matter to you?" She asked.

He shook his head at her and smiled.

"Holly you know exactly why it concerns me." He said.

"No more Randy, I can't do this anymore." She whispered.

"That's what you always say but at the end of the night I'm in your bed. Half the time you pull or push me into it." He said.

She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew what he said was true but Randy could be such an ass sometimes, cruel even.

"Just leave me alone, Randy, please." She whispered.

"You know I can't do that and you really don't want me too, either." He said.

"Please." She choked out, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Holly? You okay?" Cody asked as he walked towards them.

He shot Randy a suspicious look.

"Fine, let's go." She said trying unsuccessfully to keep her voice from wavering.

Cody put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Come on, I'll drive." He said.

He grabbed their bags and led her out to the car. Randy watched them leave and narrowed his eyes when Cody dropped a quick kiss on the top of her head. Cody threw their bags in the back seat and got in the drivers seat. He started the car and stared ahead for a minute.

"Why do you keep letting him treat you like shit?" He asked as he backed up.

"Cody, not now." She said and stared out the window.

"Well fuck, Holly, you keep promising yourself and us that you'll stop it and then low and behold we see him coming out of your hotel room or your all depressed and shit because you think you think she's better than you." He said.

"She is better than me. She doesn't even know what the hell is going on. I can't see Sam fucking an almost married man." Holly said exasperatingly.

"Well quit fucking him then. He's just using you. You're around when Sam isn't and you just keep letting him come back for more. All the other girls realized what he was doing and stopped seeing him or just let him go when he decided he had had his fill of them. You all but crawl and beg on your knees for him to stay." Cody said.

"Well gee thanks Cody make me feel 100 better. I should come to you more often for advice." She said sarcastically.

"John and Ken baby you. You always tell me to give you my opinion and I do." He said matter-of-factly.

She grumbled something under her breath.

"John sugar coats everything because he's a sucker for women and hates to see them cry. Ken is a hot head and treats you like a little girl, who should still think boys have cooties. I'm just being honest and up front with you. You do the same for me." He said.

She rolled her eyes at him.

"You can drop the big brother act now Cody." She said.

"You're confusing me with Ken." He said.

She growled at him and he laughed. He pulled into the parking lot at the arena. They got out of the car and he grabbed his bag with his gear and handed her the messenger bag that she carried almost everywhere with her.

"C'mon kid." She said.

He just rolled his eyes at her and followed her into the building. Her cell phone started ringing and Holly rolled her eyes and dug in her pocket. She looked at the screen. "Hello Ken." She said.

"Where are you?" he demanded.

"In a supply closet with Cody. Things were just about to get interesting when you called." She said.

Ken started laughing.

"Well so sorry to interrupt but you guys are already late." He said.

She sighed dramatically.

"Well this is going to be a waste of a perfectly good condom." She said.

"You're pushing it kid." Ken warned.

"Ken I'm a big girl I have sex. In fact I like sex." She said.

"Let's not get started on that, I don't want to know about you and Orton." He said. "Ken." She said.

"What I'm supposed to be stupid now? You think he keeps quite about you two?" He asked.

She was silent.

"Fuck. I'm sorry, Hol. I'm an ass ignore me." He said.

"Wh what does he say?" She asked.

"Nothing forget it." He said.

"I want to know what he says about us." She demanded.

Ken sighed.

"Fine come on over and I'll tell you." He said. She nodded and hung up.

She shoved her phone back in her pocket. She didn't even bother knocking when she reached Ken's locker room.

"So what's he say?" She asked.

"Just stupid shit." Ken mumbled.

She looked at John who hung his head.

"Come on baby you really don't want to know." John said.

"Yes I do." She insisted.

"How you want him so much that you beg for it, you do whatever he tells you to do. How stupid you are for believing he'll leave Sam for you." John mumbled.

"What else?" She asked tears making her eyes bright.

"He takes bets on how far you'll go, what kind of shit he can get you to do. One of the bets was how he could get it from you, Sam, and another girl all in one night." Ken said disgusted.

"He hasn't lost a bet yet." He added.

Shame rose up her throat like bile and reddened her cheeks. She felt hot and dizzy, and then the color drained out of her face.

"You okay?" Cody asked.

"W-who's all around when he says this?" She choked out.

John shrugged.

"Whoever. Most guys ignore him a few egg him on. Every time one of us is around we tell him to shut the fuck up." John said.

"Holly, you need to stop this, end it whatever. He's using you and it's common knowledge." Ken said.

"I'm trying." She said.

"You've been trying to stop it for almost a year now." He said.

"You're supposed to be on my side." She said.

"Well fuck Holly. Wake up. Randy's my friend and all, he's an ass but he'd be one of the first to be there for me if I needed him. I never had anything against him until he started this shit with you. We all fucking told you what he was. You ignored him for the first few months you had his ass pegged. Then suddenly you end up sleeping with him and saying how you two are going to be together and he's leaving Sam. How long ago was that? Do you honestly believe that, still?" He asked.

"Ken, chill." John barked and pulled Holly into his arms.

"Quit babying her." Ken said.

"Well you don't need to jump down her damn throat and rub shit in." John defended. "You're tactic obviously isn't working so time to try mine." Ken said.

"Yeah let's rub her face in it like a fucking puppy who pissed on the damn carpet. That will work real fucking well." John said rolling his eyes.

"I'm going to get to work." Holly muttered and left.

She walked towards the production trucks. She hoped she could bury herself in her work and forget about everything.

She had been succeeding quite well. She had just finished up a few promos for the up coming pay per view and was getting the clips and audio ready for Jericho's Highlight Reel that night. She felt two arms wrap around her upper torso.

"Go away." She whispered.

Randy chuckled.

"You come to the trailers early hoping I'll wander over. You leave the door open for me. So here I am and every one else is busy doing other stuff. How should we pass the time?" He asked his warm breath sending chills up and down her spine.

"I don't know what did the guys bet you that you could get me to do today? A threesome, how about sex in the ring? We haven't done either of those yet." She said. "So John and Ken told you huh." He remarked.

She could hear the smirk in his voice.

"You could at least try to deny it or smooth it over." She said.

He shrugged.

"Why?" He asked.

"Why? Why! You said you loved me and were going to leave her to be with me, act like it." She demanded.

"How come we have to argue about this all the time?" He asked clearly bored with the subject.

"We don't argue about it. I get upset and while trying to talk about it and you just brush it off." She said.

He turned her chair so they were facing each other.

"I can't leave her, you know that. You accepted that. I do love you." He said.

"I don't want to accept it any more, I want all of you. I'm sick of sharing you." She said. "Sorry but I'm marrying her, I love her." Randy said.

"Fuck you, Randy." She said.

"I've been trying to get you to do just that since I got here." He said.

"I'm done. I can't do this anymore. Leave me alone. You know I give in to you all the time. Be a man and stop doing this to me." She said.

"I wouldn't be much of a man if I did." He said.

"Yes you would, you would just be a good man instead of a bad boy." She said.

She saw the wicked gleam enter his eyes and make them dance mischievously.

"But being a bad boy is so much more fun and I am a good man just not with you." He said.

He slipped one large hand around her nape under her hair and squeezed none to gently. "Stop resisting you always do anyways. Why make it harder for yourself?" He asked and then traced her lips with his tongue.

"It's wrong." She said.

"I'm not married yet." He said.

"You will be soon." She protested.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." He said simply and kissed her.

She tried to resist but soon she melted in his arms. He just kissed her barely touched her at all except for his hand on her nape. She got frustrated and pulled at him. She felt his lips curve.

"Randy…" She moaned.

"What?" He asked.

"Touch me." She said and tried to pull his free hand to her.

He slowly shook his head. He pulled away from her and turned to lock the door. "Stand up." He said and she hurried to comply.

He pulled the chair from behind her and sat down in it. He then pulled her into his lap. He started nuzzling her neck and slipped his hands under her shirt. She moaned at the contact. He smirked and unbuttoned her jeans.

"Randy, someone could come in." She whispered.

"Doors locked." He said and pulled her jeans down.

"But what if someone needed something?" She asked.

"I need you." He muttered.

He linked their hands together and rested his forehead against hers. She searched his eyes confused. He kissed her and pulled her shirt off. She ran her hands under her his shirt and pushed it up. He obliged her and pulled it off. Soon all their clothes were scattered around the production trailer and Holly was straddling Randy.

Her phone rang and she groaned in frustration.

"Answer it." Randy encouraged.

She reached behind her blindly and grabbed her phone. She answered it breathlessly. "Look I'm sorry for being such an ass earlier. You didn't deserve that, I should be more sympathetic or some shit like that." He said.

She bit her lip against a moan as Randy entered her with one quick thrust.

"It's fine. I don't want to talk about it right now." She said quickly hoping to get off the phone with him as soon as she could.

"Aw shit are you still crying? Stop it right now. You know I can't handle you crying." Ken said clearly panicking.

"I'm fine, I'm gonna go okay? I'll call you later." She said.

He mumbled a goodbye and hung up. She threw her phone back towards the table and focused on Randy. She tried to glare at him but couldn't. Randy grinned wickedly and kissed her. She murmured against his lips and tried to get him to go faster but he kept up his slow pace.

"Randy…" She whined.

He simply raised a brow at her.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Faster." She practically begged.

He gripped her hips and picked up the pace a little. She ground against him and ran her hand through his short hair. He nudged her chin up and began to kiss, suck and lick her throat and collarbone. She whimpered.

"You like that?" he asked cockily.

"Just shut up and fuck me." She said.

He smirked and leaned her back over his arm. Her legs automatically tightened around him. She began to tremble and right before she could scream he covered her mouth with his. Her muscles clamped around him and he let himself go.

He pulled her against his heaving chest. She caught her breath and began tracing his tattoos. After a few minutes he gently pushed at her shoulders. She sighed and stood up. He grabbed his clothes and quickly put them on.

"See ya tonight." He said.

She was pulling her shirt on.

"No." She said shakily.

"You say that a lot. I'm pretty sure with you no means yes or that you are trying to play some kind of fucked up game of hard to get." He said and left.

She grabbed her jeans and pulled them on and then slowly sat down. She refused to cry. She had already shed so many tears over the man she was amazed she still had the ability to cry. She numbly got back to work.

AN Not what I usually write but I needed a change. Fluff is all good but enough is enough. Besides lately well before Randy got injured her was being a real ass and it just seemed to fit.


End file.
